My Kundalini Awakening Journey (Thus Far)

Oh boy, where to start?? I have always had a deeply philosophical and I see now, spiritual, nature. I was a theater kid, and as such I was adopted into a colorful cast of bohemians at an early age. We meditated, nurtured our inner children, practiced soul-gazing, and channeled our guardian angels. As children we are so open and unquestioning. I feel more resistance now writing this than I did practicing these things at the time. They seemed as natural as breathing, but also special and wonderous. I'm realizing in this moment how those experiences planted seeds that would then lay dormant for many years as I somewhat lost my connection to higher consciousness in the grief, rejection, and confusion of years that followed. Of course we can never really lose this connection, but I forgot it, following the time-honored human tradition of forgetting our divine nature just so we can rediscover it once again. The pulsating contraction and expansion of life. But I digress.

I've always felt torn between practical, analytical worlds (I love to learn, research and write) and my more creative, free-flow and chaotic impulses (the dance of masculine and feminine nature). In college I majored in philosophy with a minor in human rights and my first job was writing for a newspaper. I knew I wanted to continue my education (I know now I never want to stop) and I knew I wanted training for a specific career. The role of therapist seemed to hold that balance of getting to dance with some of the most pressing and mysterious questions of life while also having a grounded application that would allow me to have a "real job" (adorable).

I loved every minute of my masters program but the class I remember most clearly was one on trauma where I was (re)introduced to mindfulness and meditation. I had been practicing yoga for a few years at this point; it carried me through some of the difficult losses I had encountered, and I loved it the way someone would love an oasis after days of being lost in a desert. For brief moments during svasana, on agonizingly rare occasions, I would slip into a blissful wholeness that made me sure there was more to this life than I could explain. I was sure it was real, but it was evasive, and mysterious, and in that class, I learned I could access it simply by practicing stillness. I was hooked.

For many years after, I earnestly albeit clumsily attempted to share this gift with clients. Looking back I know that the biggest missing piece was perceived permission from the field. (My clients were very much on-board.) I thought that in order to truly share these practices, I needed to send my clients to trauma-informed yoga and that I would be practicing outside my scope to offer some version of it myself. The referral was often a dead-end, the only trauma informed yoga available at the time was at a singular location in Boston, and most of my clients lacked the motivation, time, or resources to access it. Mindfulness, however, was gaining traction in the field (hence my class), and I could side-step the problem of how to address the body by focusing on these skills. Of course I employed a variety of modalities depending on my client and their concerns, but I found mindfulness (specifically mindful self-compassion), knowledge-sharing (awareness is power), and a high level of trust and care in the therapeutic relationship were what benefitted my clients the most. (These remain pillars of my practice and I am so happy that the field has seen the need for holistic and body-based interventions and that we are now seeing a dawning of a new era where ancient and spiritual practices are being recognized and reclaimed in the mainstream culture.)

In my personal life (with the understanding that these threads were all being woven to ultimately come together in my work), I grew my family, deepened my training in yoga (YTT200) and mindfulness (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Training) and continued advancing my clinical skills through a variety of trainings most notably around perinatal support and exposure and response therapy for OCD (cue the moment me, as a many years therapist, realized I've been struggling with OCD my whole life - I had survived through a patchwork of strategies hobbled together, not the least of which was yoga and meditation, but recognizing my experience as OCD was a game-changer, a topic for another post).

All this to say when by the time I signed up for a free Kundalini class through an online wellness platform I subscribed to, I had spent years honing and attempting to merge my clinical and spiritual experiences to benefits myself and my clients, and Kundalini appeared as the life-changing gift I was finally ready to receive. It was love at first sight, I knew immediately this relationship to my breath and body and source was one I wanted for the rest of my life. I enrolled in an intensive and multi-layered Kundalini initiation led by my beloved teacher and sister, Alesiana Ra, that recently came to a close, although the real journey she set us on has just begun.

I've already written so much (and ready to stop for today) and at the same time said so little about my Kundalini journey, so I'll write a bit more now and share more tomorrow. When I started the program, I was accustomed to moving through waves of boredom, listlessness, and depression. Now there's not enough hours in the day. I still encounter these feelings, but now I have the tools to shift my state into higher levels of consciousness if I choose to use them (and I do). I know how to meet myself in the deepest way, to replenish, nourish, and activate my life force, and connect to an infinite source of inspiration and connection. It IS magic, but so is all of life. It's really a concentration and channeling of the magic we all already possess. Kundalini is yoga of consciousness, it is a vehicle for evolving and expanding our awareness. It is thought that a metaphorical serpent lies coiled three times at the base of our spines, and when we ignite and activate that dormant spiritual energy, it rises through the seven chakras along our spinal column to awaken dormant parts of our brain and connect us with our higher selves, our god consciousness, and the collective wisdom of the universe. We do this through kriyas, or structured practices, using movement, breathwork (pranayama), and mantra. In practicing kriyas, and creating balance, harmony, and peace within ourselves, we create those conditions in the world around us.

I could say so much more but for now I'll say these practices have become the most sacred and beneficial part of my day, and I very clearly see the positive impact they have on my mood, my relationships, and my work. Stay tuned for more and I will be launching a group soon to offer support and guidance for those interested in pursuing this transformational path of spiritual exploration, and thanks for reading. Let me know what you think. I know kundalini has a bit of a reputation and certainly some very bad actors, but have you tried it? What has been your experience?